Heal your heart first.
I was approached one day by a woman. She said to me, "Lorna, I really like this guy. I want to go out with him. There’s one problem: he’s married. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to get hurt again."
This story and many other stories like this are very real for a lot of women, and I hear this story all the time or some version of it when I'm giving dating advice. Can you relate? What hurt are you holding onto that’s holding you back from getting what you want?
Dating from hurt just doesn’t work. Think about how this story would play out:
By getting involved with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else, she believes this won’t cause her pain. When, in fact, being in love with someone who can't give you what you need is lonelier than being single. It causes you tons of pain.
Anyone who dates from hurt is coming from a situation in the past that did not serve them — either an ex-boyfriend or childhood experience. Dating in the past will always keep you in bondage. It affects all your future decision-making.
As long as you date from hurt you will pick men and situations that don’t suit you to get involved in. You will pick men who are wrong for you, don’t treat you right or are just simply unavailable. You will pick someone you know deep down is not good for you long-term or end a good relationship out of fear you will self sabotage.
The reality is that if you get involved with someone who is involved with someone else, it doesn’t matter if that relationship is good or bad — they are still mentality in it and their focus can be mixed up and not congruent. Therefore, not fully available to give you what you need.
If they are a person of integrity and tend to do the right thing by others, they are not available for other relationships, especially one with you. A quality person would recognize that they are in a bad or unfulfilling relationship and end it, leaving them available to be with someone else wholeheartedly.
Most women, deep down, get with a guy because they like him. You want it to work out, even if you never admit this to your friends or even to yourself. Now you are involved in a relationship which has the potential to cause a lot of hurt for you and for others.
You are involved with him because you acted out of a fear of getting hurt. But you are in danger of causing the very thing you were afraid of in the first place by trying to keep your heart guarded. Can you see how this thinking just doesn’t work?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who suggested that you should keep it a secret? Secrets don't turn into relationships. Are you still with him right now? Is it frustrating you? Let’s be clear: nothing good comes from a secret.
It is time now for you to think about the consequences and the outcome of where this is going. Save yourself from further hurt and pain, and the potential of hurting others, to get out of a relationship that does not serve you.
The bravest thing to do is heal that pain you’ve been carrying around for years which has been making you act out of a fear of getting hurt. Once you release the pain, your heart will open and soften, and you will find yourself giving a chance to someone who can give you what you need.
Be brave and let go of whatever you are holding onto. Decide you want something better for your life. Releasing the hurt will attract the man that’s right for you, and make room for a relationship that is light, fun and rewarding. It is great to be loved by someone who truly loves you back.
Lorna Poole is a dating coach who helps women get results.