The Thirteen Undeniable Truths of Having a Cold...
- Even though, rationally, you know it wasn’t done on purpose, you can never help but blame someone for giving you a cold, and hold a grudge accordingly – ie. for the rest of your days.
- You are entirely blameless if you accidentally pass it on though.
- Saying “there’s a lot of it going around” to people with a cold is extremely insulting - because whatever pale imitation of this that’s going around is no way as bad as theirs... and it also implies they are nothing special.
The only correct response is sympathy, admiration at how stoically they’re handling this great misfortune, and probably a big step backwards for your own good.
- Other wrong reactions include depressing stories about how your brother-in-law had it for three months, got rid of it and then got it again/died from it, came back to life, then died from it again.
The only anecdotes worth sharing about it – if you must – are uplifting, inspirational tales of people who shook it off much more quickly than they expected, and emerged happier, richer and better looking.
- Final wrong reaction: suggesting sleeping with an onion next to your bed.
- If everyone in your home gets a cold with the exception of one person, who then boasts about how powerful his immune system is – at length – you should probably be pleased for him, and grateful that he has been spared.
- You won’t be though. You will instead feel a strong sense of injustice... and distrust because he’s obviously definitely secretly sold his soul to Satan.
- Every vow you make - to both yourself and anyone who will listen - that you will never take breathing through your nose for granted again will be instantly forgotten the very second that you can.
- Not even Kate Moss could make a red, snotty nose work as a look, so accept defeat gracefully. You are a gross monster. On the upside, you will look amazing once you get better, albeit only by comparison.
- You can tell exactly how far into a cold someone is by whether they’re still using tissues or have resorted to loo roll.
- No, of course your partner doesn’t have to say “bless you” EVERY time you sneeze... after all, it’s probably better you face up to the reality, sooner rather than later, that he or she doesn’t love or care about you at all and probably never has.
- Far fewer people remember the advert where the blocked-up nose bloke tries to buy a train ticket to “Dottingham” than you would think...
Just a handy fact to bear in mind before attempting any cold-related humour, because you could just end up feeling ill and old.
- Sod’s law decrees that the coughing fit which stops you saying something will increase in length in direct correlation with the urgency with which you need to say it.
- If you have it, it’s definitely flu. If someone else has it, it’s just a massive fuss about a cold. Eyeroll.